With characteristic humility and good grace … Hardly.

Shortly after 9pm UK time on Wednesday, the Sun-Bed King made his way to the White House Rose Garden, looking every bit the dishonest bookie as he held up a board with every country’s separate tariff. He might as well have been signposting the odds on a global recession.

No country went untouched. The penguins, the sole inhabitants of Heard Island near Antarctica, are in for a hell of a shock the next time they try to flog some frozen fish to the USA. Let’s hope they were watching on TV.

“This is Liberation Day,” said Donald Trump. “The single greatest day since …” Well, since The Donald’s last single greatest day. These single greatest days seem to creep up on us ever more frequently. But, hey, it was a great day for those currency traders who had bet on the value of the dollar falling. Who had bet that a trade war would bring higher prices across the world and that growth would slow down. Nice work if you can get it.

Not that The Donald was that bothered. However much he protested otherwise, this wasn’t about Making America Wealthy Again. This was much more primal. Sticking it to all the people who had laughed at him over the years. His bankruptcies. His hair. His orangeness. His stupidity. Sticking it to all those who had taken him to court and won. Now he was the most powerful person in the world. He could do what he liked. He had the whole world watching as he messed it up. And he was doing it simply because he could. There was no one who could stop him. This was the best orgasm he had ever had.

Meanwhile the world held its breath. Even though Trump had been elected on a promise to impose tariffs, even though he had sent out the invitations to his White House launch party days in advance, everyone was caught off guard. Almost as if no one had quite believed The Donald would go through with it. Surely there must have been someone in his team who could have persuaded him that this was an idiotic thing to do. For America as much as the rest of the world.

Here in the UK, Keir Starmer and the business secretary, Jonathan Reynolds, tried to keep calm. Even though they felt anything but. Underneath what they hoped sounded like an immediate measured response – ‘We are taking a pragmatic approach. Cool heads. No kneejerk retaliation. Blah, blah, blah’ – you could smell the panic.

HELP! THE MAN IS A LUNATIC. WE HAVE NO BLOODY IDEA HOW THIS IS GOING TO PLAY OUT. Sure, 10% was better than 20%, but it’s still terrible. Not to mention cars, steel and aluminium. Everything was up in the air. The Orange Manchild was just as likely to increase the tariffs in a few weeks’ time as he was to reduce them. Then there was the effect on the UK of tariffs to other countries. Not forgetting the impact of any retaliatory tariffs that may be imposed on the US by the rest of the world. Bang goes the fiscal headroom. Again. Everywhere you looked was one giant unknown. A fever dream. A trip back to the 1930s.

Come Thursday morning, Starmer and Reynolds were hardly in much better shape. So much for things looking rosier after a night’s sleep. But hopefully large doses of Valium and beta-blockers would do the trick. Get them through the media round, sounding as if they vaguely knew what they were doing. That the government was in control of the situation. Cue endless further repeats of “Steady as she goes. Careful consideration. No immediate retaliatory reaction.” Trying to accentuate the positives. Unaware there weren’t any.

By the time Reynolds stood up to make a statement to the Commons in the late morning, he almost sounded as if he believed he knew what he was doing. Almost. The UK has a strong trading relationship with the US, he began. So strong, the US had decided to put a bomb under it. He then started singing: “Always look on the bright side of life.”

“No county has escaped a tariff,” he went on, “but thanks to our pragmatic approach we have been placed on the lowest tier.” Hooray. Hang out the flags. Sucking up to an abusive president and promising a second state visit had paid off.

Or had it? There were loads of other countries – Kosovo and Congo among them – that had also been hit with a 10% rate and they had made no efforts to offer Trump anything. It could just be that what swung it for the UK was that our trade with the US had been more or less balanced. Though don’t tell Starmer or Reynolds that. They would be mentally destroyed to find out their humiliating efforts had meant nothing.

Reynolds went on. Slowly, slowly. The government would consult business on retaliatory tariffs over the next month. Wait to see whether other countries blinked first. Hope that the amazing trade deal with the US would emerge from somewhere. Meanwhile there would be a helpline for businesses. An automated voice. Thank you for ringing. Your call is important to us. The government is currently unavailable. Please hold.

Earlier in the day, Kemi Badenoch had been surprisingly supportive of the government. Saying tariffs were in no one’s interest and even offering to join the team negotiating with the US. Thanks but no thanks. That’s one way to get the tariffs doubled. Kemi can fall out with anyone. But the leader of the opposition’s collegiality hadn’t reached Andrew Griffith, the shadow business secretary. He was adamant the tariffs were all Labour’s fault. Next up China, India and Japan will be blaming Starmer too.

Griffith insisted that Labour ought to have already negotiated a free trade deal with the US and not to have done so was negligence. Someone should have reminded him that the Tories had had eight years to come up with something and failed. I guess amnesia is a coping strategy for him. He also wanted to congratulate himself on the rare sighting of a Brexit bonus. Somehow a 10% tariff was a huge success and a complete disaster. Make up your mind, guys.

The rest of the debate passed off in respectful bemusement as no one really knows what’s going on. Emily Thornberry got a laugh by asking if Boris Johnson had any ideas on a trade deal, but otherwise Reynolds stuck to his holding pattern. A deal was there to be made. The only drawback is it’s with Trump. So everything is in the air. Situation Normal All Fucked Up.