Keir Starmer: OK, everyone. I want you to get an early night. It’s Rachel’s big day tomorrow and we all need to be ready to support her.

Angela Rayner: So no going out to a Sabrina Carpenter concert tonight.💊💊🍸🍸

Rachel Reeves: It definitely wasn’t a freebie.

Rayner: Matt Pennycook seems to think it was.

Reeves: Well, he wasn’t at the O2 …

Rayner: That was rather his point.

Reeves: I needed a treat. And the tickets had a face value of £0.00 …

Rayner: That’s because they were free …

Reeves: Leave me alone, Angie. I’ve had a tough week. In any case you’re in no position to lecture me about freebies. New York ring any bells?

Starmer: Now, now everyone. Let’s not fall out …

Ed Miliband: Nice suit, boss …

Starmer: Do you think?

Wes Streeting: I’m pumped for the emergency budget. 💪💪💪

Reeves: It’s not an emergency budget. It’s a spring statement. Why is everyone so down on the Treasury? The economy is actually doing really well all things considered. It’s not my fault the Americans have fucked up everything for the rest of us. We just need to re-educate the people about how brilliant we are.

Starmer: That’s actually a very good point, Rachel. Thank you for that.

Streeting: Well, whatever we call it, I’m ready for it.

Miliband: That’s all very well for you to say, Wes. Your department is protected from any cuts.

Liz Kendall: Stop being such a wuss. My department is vulnerable and I can’t wait for the cuts. I’m sick to death of people with disabilities trying to freeload off the state. We’ve got to stop bailing them out. It’s time we got people to stand on their own two legs …

Miliband: What if they’ve had a leg amputated?

Kendall: Then they can learn to balance on the one that’s left. If I may say so, that’s typical of many of you on the left of the party. You have no ambition for the people of this country. I want everyone to fulfil their potential. And if that means cutting their benefits …

Miliband: (And their legs)

Kendall: … to make sure they hop along to work then so be it.

Streeting: Well said Liz. We also need to cut benefits for those with mental health issues. Everyone seems to have one now. We need to put a stop to that. People should just stop trying to medicalise being scared stiff of being broke.

Bridget Phillipson: I draw the line at cutting breakfast clubs.

Kendall: Why? We can’t go on bailing out children indefinitely. You can’t effect any real change on a full stomach. You’ve got to make people hungry for change.

Starmer: That’s a great slogan. I like that very much. Hungry for Change. Thank you. Now, Rachel. Why don’t you run us through the highlights of your speech tomorrow?

Everyone: Highlights?

Starmer: Don’t be mean. Even Kemi Badenoch recognises we haven’t got anyone better than Rachel to be chancellor.

Streeting: Er … Hello? Me, me, me, me.

Starmer: Over to you, Rachel. Fill us in on what’s coming.

Reeves: I will be starting at the beginning. Then I will get to the middle bit. And finally get to the end.

Starmer: Have you actually written your emergency budget yet, Rachel?

Reeves: How many times do I have to tell you? It’s a spring statement.

Starmer: Sorry …

Reeves: I could still do with a few good gags …

Everyone: Maybe not …

Reeves: So, I thought I would start by saying that the world has changed a lot since my autumn budget. That I had got everything right apart from the few things that I had got wrong. Then I will make cuts of roughly £15bn before saying that everything is basically fine.

Miliband: Sounds like austerity to me.

Reeves: Don’t use the A word. It definitely is nothing like austerity. It’s just poor people being a bit poorer than they were.

Miliband: A moment’s silence for Torsten Bell’s mortgage.

Starmer: OK. That’s enough for now. The spring statement is clearly going to be a huge success. I think the public will be right behind us. Now has anyone got on any questions?

John Healey: Where do we stand with the Americans these days?

Starmer: We remain 100% behind them. JD Vance and Pete Hegseth are great guys. And Donald Trump is a genius.

Healey: Are you sure?

Starmer: Of course not. They’re all halfwits. I’m just saying this in case this WhatsApp group has been compromised.

Healey: Good point. So we are going to continue to share intelligence with the Yanks? Even though they clearly hate us.

Starmer: Of course. Let’s face it, no one in the White House had a clue where Yemen was before we told them. Left to themselves they could have bombed the Saudis by mistake. Then, where would we have been? Same with Ukraine. Donald was astonished when I showed him where Kyiv was.

Healey: What did he say?

Starmer: Not a lot. He just fired off a whole load of emojis. ☺️☺️☺️🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸

Healey: It’s great to be dealing with grownups.

Starmer: See you all in cabinet tomorrow. The emergency budget …

Reeves: Aaaagh …

Starmer: Will be fine. Trust me.