Monday

For a long time I’ve found myself baffled by Kemi Badenoch’s performances at prime minister’s questions. To put it bluntly, she’s just not very good. Borderline hopeless. She seems to have put in little or no preparation and has made what should be an awkward session for Keir Starmer into one of his most enjoyable moments of the week.

Now senior Conservatives have started to say much the same thing and are openly wondering if they might have elected the wrong leader. Some are even suggesting Kemi may need to be replaced in the not so distant future. This would be unlikely: forcing Badenoch out would be an even worse look for the Tories. But what is really causing them angst is that Kemi doesn’t seem to be improving. We are living in serious times and she gives the impression of being a deeply unserious politician.

Today was a case in point. There is a real war going on in Ukraine, and the US and Russia are trying to broker a deal without the Ukrainians. This is a critical moment for the west. And what was Kemi doing? Speaking at the “alt-right” Alliance for Responsible Citizenship conference about how the real danger the west was facing was the culture wars. “I am saying the unsayable,” she said. She was unaware that no one was stopping her saying anything. Everyone at the conference was free to say whatever nonsense they wanted.

Tuesday

Donald Trump built his reputation in real estate and television on being the Master of the Deal. His stated shtick in his 1987 ghost-written book was always to get the best deal for himself and let someone else take the hit. Presumably that’s why his businesses filed for bankruptcy six times. More fool his creditors.

Which is why the US president’s latest venture to broker a peace deal between Ukraine and Russia has blindsided every western country. Because at first glance he appeared to have given away all his bargaining chips before he had sat round the table: excluded Ukraine from the first round of talks; surrendered Ukrainian territory unilaterally; declared that no US troops would be put on the ground as peacekeepers. It’s a deal that makes sense only if you reckon Trump’s primary goal is to keep the Russians happy. Vladimir Putin must be delighted with the way things are shaping up: a chance for two dictators to carve up the mineral and land rights of a third country.

Up until now, Keir Starmer has tried to keep The Donald sweet. Going out of his way to find things to praise him for. Like indulging a badly behaved toddler. Well done for recognising Gaza is mainly rubble, Mr President. And then trying to steer him towards a more realistic option. But that boat has now sailed. Trump just takes flattery as his due and has no respect for those who give it. Starmer offering to be a bridge between the EU and the US feels like a doomed project. So it’s time to choose a side, align with the rest of Europe and back Ukraine unequivocally. This is about democratic values and sovereignty. Not a macho power game.

Wednesday

Season three of The White Lotus was always going to be appointment television. The first episode was something of a slow burn, though that rather added to the pleasure. We all know the formula by now. The opening sequence of a dead body (or bodies) before cutting back to a week earlier and the arrival of several groups of dysfunctional guests. Mostly rich, smug and entitled Americans with an iffy private life. Over the next six weeks, under the safe direction of Mike White, we know we are in for a treat as we watch the dark comedy psychodrama of the characters unravelling in turn until we eventually discover which one ends up dead and why.

Though you can’t help feeling The White Lotus chain is massively unlucky to have had so many violent deaths in the past four years. Or maybe, never having been to an upmarket resort, I’m out of the loop and this sort of thing goes on all the time. When it gets to Season Four, I’d like to volunteer for the writers’ room and suggest that all the guests have only booked The White Lotus because it’s the perfect venue to kill one another. But not everyone is as thrilled with the return of The White Lotus as I. Some have said their enjoyment has been ruined by the new theme tune being inferior to the ones in seasons one and two. To which there is only one response. WTAF?

Thursday

All is well in my football world again. I realise now that my brief falling out of love with the current Spurs side was not born out of despair. Quite the opposite: it came from a place of hope. Despite recognising that the team was totally lacking in confidence, tactically inept and generally useless, a part of me clung on to the belief that maybe, just maybe, this year we might win something.

Now that this is to all intents and purposes an impossibility, I feel a sense that normal service has been returned. To play an entire 90 minutes in the second leg of the Carabao Cup – the most important game of the season – without managing a single shot on target was a piece of performance art. As was the fourth-round FA Cup tie against Aston Villa three days later.

My friend Matthew spent hours on a coach with his daughter to get to Birmingham, only for Spurs to concede a goal inside a minute thanks to a ridiculous goalkeeping error. These are the moments Tottenham fans live for. All of which made Spurs’ drab 1-0 win over an even worse Manchester United side agreeably pointless. A classic in non-entertainment as there is no prospect of relegation or qualification for Europe. Just 13 more league games of no consequence. I felt I had my Spurs mojo back.

Friday

It won’t have come as a surprise to anyone that the UK’s loudest cheerleader for Donald Trump this week has been Boris Johnson. After all, Boris was the only Briton to make the cut for a seat in the Rotunda at the US president’s inauguration last month. Even Nigel Farage fell unusually silent for a few days after The Donald had declared President Zelenskyy was a dictator whose approval ratings were just 4% and who had denied Ukraine elections. To cap it all, Trump asserted that Ukraine had been the aggressor in the war with Russia.

Johnson took to X to argue that Trump did have a point. We just shouldn’t get lost in the weeds of how accurate The Donald had been, as he had never meant anyone to take him seriously. Everyone knew that half of everything Trump said was untrue and we should just focus on the bits that were. You could almost hear Boris pleading for forgiveness for his own inability to tell the truth.

There again, Johnson is something of a lost soul these days. He may now have all the money he ever wanted thanks to his gigs on the right-wing lecture circuit, but he has lost the thing that really matters to him: the adoration. There is no clamour for him to come back into frontline politics. People have had enough of him. His autobiography was a financial disaster for his publishers. Now he is just an expensive curiosity.

In September, Boris is doing a live event in Edinburgh where front row tickets cost £160. If you are daft enough to want a selfie and an autograph that will set you back another £121. For what? To hear Johnson trot out the same old lies. May I suggest an alternative? Come and hear me instead. I am at Chelmsford theatre on Saturday night and I can guarantee you more truths and more laughs for an eighth of the price.